


Poisoned to my rotten core

by sushichin



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cow Chop - Freeform, Depression, Fanfiction, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, ImmortalHD - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, NovaHD - Freeform, One Shot, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, UberHaxorNova - Freeform, and sorry for grammar mistakes / typos, aurora - runaway, english isn’t my native language, flatsound - don’t call me at all, if you see mistakes please do let me know on tumblr, it would be much appreciated, killedmyself - don’t worry about me, lykke li - possibility, m83 - i need you, oh this is inspired by music too, oh wonder - all we do, sorry again this is so messy ugh, sorry if it’s shit my thoughts are messy, the cinematic orchestra - to build a home, this is kind of a vent fic i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 12:03:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15605877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sushichin/pseuds/sushichin
Summary: Aleksandr just wants to go home, and live amongst the other bright stars on the sky.





	Poisoned to my rotten core

Aleks stares at the empty shell of a man in the mirror. The one who used to be free. The one who used to have an imagination so wild it couldn’t be controlled. The one who was careless, happy, free. The one who used to write stories. The one who used make music, the one who used to just live life to the fullest. The one who had so much life in his laugh, the one who carried a warm presence wherever he went. 

Now he can’t even recognize himself. The spark in his eyes has faded. It’s only a dull, tiny sparkle in his chocolate brown eyes, waiting for it’s time to go out. The smile that used to be so bright and warm is now lifeless and fake, barely there. The skin that used to be tanned and soft has turned pale, cold and is littered with old bruises that he used to inflict on himself. Shaky hands, quiet voice, dark circles under tired eyes, breath that reeks of alcohol and cigarettes, that is Aleksandr.

With wobbly steps Aleks walks across his messy flat, trying to avoid the old pizza boxes and liquor bottles on the floor. The mail is piling up on his front door, but he doesn’t give a fuck about it. He doesn’t give a fuck about the fact that he hasn’t showered in three days. He doesn’t give a fuck about the trash on the floor, or the dirty dishes piling up in the kitchen sink, or the house plants dying in his balcony. He doesn’t give a fuck about the missed calls, text messages and emails in his phone.

He’s tired. So, _so_ damn tired. Lighting up a cigarette, he sits on his couch. He stares at the small flame for a moment, mesmerized. He wonders if he could set his own house on fire. That way everyone would think it was an accident, that Aleks didn’t kill himself.  _ Right? _

But Aleks isn’t selfish. He can’t risk other people’s lives like that, he can’t risk that his neighbor’s house catches on fire too. 

He melts into the couch, breathing out the smoke. He stares at the ceiling, the same ceiling he has been studying for three days now. He knows every inch of it, from the small spider web in the right corner to the old scratch just above him. He takes a look at the time, 11:07 PM. His phone rings again. And again. He watches as James sends him an another “Answer me.” message.

For so many years, Aleks has continued to neglect taking care of himself.  _ I don’t deserve it.  _ So many years of being too ashamed to ask for help.  _ There is no point.  _ So many years of saying I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.  _ This will pass. _ I don’t need help, I’m fine.  _ I am disgusted by myself. I don’t want to be me anymore.  _

A mix of feelings and thoughts is bubbling inside of him.  _ I don’t wanna be alive. There is no point. There is no fucking point, why am I still here?   _ A very small part of him wants to get better. Wants to get help. But it’s always overpowered by the toxic thoughts that creep on him whenever he’s not paying attention. _ You don’t deserve help. You don’t need it. There is an easier way. Just do it. You fucking coward, just do it. It’ll be over before you know it. No more pain, isn’t that what you want? _

He has tried many ways to take the pain away. Drugs, alcohol, music, food, sex. Nothing takes it away. Nothing can stop it. Nothing can silence the voices.

He talks to people inside of his own head more than he talks to real life people. He tells them everything. They don’t judge.  _ I’m not crazy, right? _   It’s so much easier. They understand.

He picks up a half finished bottle from the floor, and takes a swing of the nasty tasting liquor. It burns in his throat, but it feels oh, so good. His vision gets more and more blurry with every drag of the cigarette. He wishes he wasn’t alone. He wishes somebody would understand.

_ But how could they? You never fucking tell anyone about how you feel and what you’re thinking about. How could they know? _   His mind tries to reason but it quiets down as Aleks hits his head with the tv remote.  _ Shut up, shut up, shut up. _ He throws the tv remote on the floor, not bothering to check if he broke it.

His whole body is shaking, his heart barely beating, as he walks into his balcony. Looking up at the sky, and the stars that seem to be so far away, his eyes fill up with tears. “I wanna go home.” he whispers with a shaky breath, leaning on the balcony railing. The sky waits impatiently for him. A soft autumn breeze touches his skin, causing him to get goosebumps. He breathes it in, tasting freedom. He wants to get free. He wants to be one of the bright stars in the night sky.

With tears brimming in his eyes, he picks up his phone. Dialing James number, he walks into his bathroom. James answers with a very concerning “Hey Aleks.” and hearing his best friend’s voice completely breaks him. He’s gonna miss him.

“Hey, James.” Aleks says, trying to sound normal. Trying to sound like he’s fine. He fails miserably though, his voice is only a hoarse whisper, and his obvious sniffling gives him away. “What’s wrong? Why haven’t you picked up your phone? Do you want me to-” Aleks cuts him off with a sharp  _ no, stop. _

“Not now, James, I- I want to s-say goodbye. Okay?” Aleks’ thoughts are not making any sense to him, his mind is all over the place. He sits at the edge of his bathtub. “I want this to be quick. James, I- uhh- I love you, and I-”

“Aleks, what’re you saying?” James is panicking, and Aleks can hear him opening a door, but he’s too tired to care. It’s too late.

“I wanna go home, James. I don’t wanna be here anymore, I can’t.” he sobs, gripping his phone tightly. “I’m saying goodbye. I’ll see you in the future, yeah? I’ll see you. Bye James.” he ends the phone call, before James has the time to reply. Putting his phone on silent, he places it on the floor.

He hates himself, he hates being so selfish, he hates being so mean and so distant and  _ so so cold, _ but he’s too far gone. Too fucked up. Too tired. He wipes his tears away so he could see clearly, and with shaky hands he opens the cabinet under the sink. He finds the old blades he keeps in there, for the bad days.  _ This is gonna be the last bad day. I’ll be free. _

“Just take me home. Okay?” he whispers, looking at the tiny, sharp object in his fingers. His key to freedom. He decides to fill up the bath with warm water.  _ That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? I saw it on TV.  _ He doesn’t strip from his clothes, he just sits in the warm water, letting it relax his tense, aching body. He’s so scared. Scared that he’s gonna fail. 

_ Just do it. This is what you’ve wanted for so long. You’ll be free. It’s just like falling asleep.  _ His heart is racing, head dizzy. “I’ll be free. If I do this right, I’ll get over the edge. I’ll be free.” he chants to himself, as he gathers up all of his strength, slicing up his arms. “Take me home, where I belong.” Aleks cries, the bloody blade slipping from his fingertips, making a small noise as it falls onto the cold bathroom floor. The burning pain in his arms is excruciating. He gasps for air between his sobs, his head spinning. “I don’t wanna do this. I can’t take it. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. Take me, please take me away. Take me home.” Aleks sobs, the warm water turning more and more red with each passing second.

  
“Aleks!” he hears James screaming, and he busts through the door. Aleks turns his head, looking at his friend that is in shock. Aleks gives a small smile through his tears, and James rushes to his side. “Aleks- n-no, what the fuck are you doing?! Fuck! Aleks, no, no no. You’re not going anywhere. Stay with me okay? Aleks please.” James begs, cradling Aleks limp body in his arms, trying to get him out of the water. Aleks closes his eyes, numbness taking over his  body and the voices dying down, defeated. The last thing that Aleks hears is his friend crying out his name.

  
  


_ I feel guilty, even though there was no way I could’ve see this coming. He never told me anything. I had no idea.  _

 

_ Me neither. _

_ But I should’ve noticed something is wrong. What if he doesn’t make it, James? What if- _

_ He’ll make it, Trevor. He has to. _

 

Aleks can hear faint voices echoing somewhere in his mind. Is he alive? Is this heaven? Did he make it? Hopefully. It’s too bright, he can’t tell. He tries to get closer to the voices.  _ Where the fuck am I? _

“He’s moving! He’s conscious!”

Slowly, Aleks tries to open his eyes. Everything is too bright. Everything hurts.

When his eyes adjust to the brightness he’s faced with two doctors, and two of his friends, James and Trevor. He sees them hugging each other, and the doctors tells them to get out of the room for a moment so they can examine Aleks’ state in peace.

Outside the room Trevor hugs James tight, as if James would fall apart if Trevor didn’t hold him in his arms. Trevor was the first one that James messaged, and Trevor being the amazing friend he is drove in the middle of the night straight to the hospital, to be there for his friend.

“He’s gonna be okay.” Trevor whispers in James’ ear, petting his curly hair with his right hand, the other hand on the small of James’ back. “I was so scared, Trevor.” James whimpers, trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall. “I thought I lost him.” James says, closing his eyes as he presses his face in Trevor’s chest. For the first time in what seems like forever James lets out a small, relieved laugh escape his lips. _ Aleks made it. _

“When do you think we can go to see him?” James asks, and Trevor shrugs. “I have no idea. But let’s just sit here and wait, yeah? I can get you a snack, just wait here.” Trevor offers the nearest chair for James, who hesitantly sits down, rubbing his tired eyes. “Okay. Sure.” Trevor gives him a small smile, and goes to the cafeteria to get some food.

 

 

 

When finally James and Trevor can go to see him, they’re faced with a small, pale human being laying on the hospital bed. Aleks pulls the rough blanket to his chin when he notices his friends coming in. Tears build up in James eyes upon seeing his fragile friend. Hesitantly, he sits next to him on the hospital bed. 

“I’ll let you two talk first.” Trevor says to James who nods. “I’m really happy that you are still here with us, Aleksandr. I mean it.” Trevor says, looking into Aleks’ eyes. That’s the only thing that he can bring himself to say, for now. And that’s enough.

“Hey.” James says softly, and Aleks looks up at him with wide, tired eyes. He blinks couple of times, looking a bit confused.

“I’m sorry.” Aleks blurts out, not meeting James’ eyes. “I’m so so sorry, James-” Aleks starts to panic, but James calms him down.

“Shh, it’s alright. Well, not exactly, but there is no need to apologize. I- uhh. I don’t exactly know what to say..” James sighs, feeling confused, and uncomfortable. He doesn’t know what to do in these kind of situations. I mean, you don’t everyday have to save your best friend from committing suicide. James has never had to deal with stuff like this.

Aleks notices the discomfort in James’ face, and he just pulls him into a hug, wincing a bit as his arms are still very sore. James hugs his friend carefully, trying not to hurt him.

“I’m so sorry too. I didn’t know- I never asked you-”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Still, I feel guilty. I should’ve noticed something is wrong. I should’ve seen that you’re not okay, I should’ve visit you sooner-” James sniffles.

“James, stop. Don’t blame yourself as this is entirely my fault. There is no other to blame than me. Stop.”

James pulls away from the hug just enough so he can see Aleks’ face. “I’m here now. I’m okay, James.” Aleks whispers, giving his friend a small smile.

“But that is not true, now is it? You wouldn’t be here if you were okay.” James says softly and the smile fades away.

“But I want to let you know something, Aleks. I am here for you. From now on, I’m here for you, I won’t let this happen ever again.” James says, tilting up Aleks’ chin with his fingers so their eyes could meet. “And yes, I do realize that ‘I am here for you’ is a trite phrase that may have lost any meaning it once had and I don’t mean this in the ‘your parents are getting divorced and I don’t know what else to say’ kind of way, I mean genuinely that I am here for you. You mean so,  _ so _ much to me, and honestly, if I had lost you today, I wouldn’t- I-” James chokes on his words as the imagines of dead Aleks laying on this bed fill his mind. Aleks pulls him into a hug again, soothing him.

“You mean so much to me, James. Your words too. Thank you.” Aleks says, giving James’ forehead a soft kiss. His heart flutters as his best friend holds him close, and he feels the safest he has ever felt ever in his entire life. It’s just the two of them at this moment, nothing else really matters. They’re both alive, they’re both here.

“Promise me something.” James whispers, nuzzling his head in the crook of Aleks’ neck. “Promise you’ll never leave me.”

Aleks sighs, but nods. “I promise.”

 

 

 

After the conversation between the two boys, Trevor and the rest of Aleks’ closest friends come in. Asher, Jakob, Brett, Joe, Lindsey, Anna, Aron, all of them. The air in the room is tense, and a bit of awkward at first, because none of them really know what to say. But after a moment of talking they relax, all of them feeling sad and a bit guilty, but happy and relieved that their friend did make it. James never leaves Aleks’ side, and he holds his hand under the blanket. They both steal discreet, soft glances at each other occasionally. James and Aleks have always been very close friends, and they both have soft spots for each other, despite sometimes calling each other assholes in front of the cameras. Behind the closed doors, they act almost like boyfriends. Teasing each other, stealing kisses and hugs, cuddling on the couch sometimes.

Despite being very close, James never saw this coming. Aleksandr is an excellent actor, you see. He’ll brush off your “are you fine?” questions with a “yeah, just tired” or “just having a bad day”. James never questioned it.

But from now on, James promises himself that he’ll take care of Aleks. And all of his other friends, too. This cannot happen twice, he would never forgive himself. It’ll be his number one priority; making sure his friends are okay, and being taken care of.

Especially Aleks, he’ll make sure that Aleks gets the help he need. He’ll make sure Aleks gets better. He’ll make sure Aleks feels loved, and appreciated. James will be the ‘home’ Aleks was looking for. James will make this feel like home.

  
  
  
  


 

 

_ Fin _ .

**Author's Note:**

> ((this is a work of fiction, but Aleks' feelings and thoughts are somewhat based upon mine.)) 
> 
> my tumblr is @sushichin if you want to point out my mistakes/typos or just say hi. thanks for reading my shit!


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